• “Same, Girl.”

    She always sat in the back of the classroom but not because she was a bad student.

    I’d seen the professor hand back her papers marked with words like “well done!”

    Even “bravo!” And, at first, it surprised me but eventually just furthered the mystery.

     

    Her eyes were always sad and her hood on her hoodie pulled up and over her curly hair.

    She never smiled, but if you caught her at the right time, she’d offer a glance of compassion

    To a self-deprecating comment as if to say, “Same, Girl,” though she would never actually say it.

     

    I noticed her every Monday and Wednesday: the days on which the class was held,

    And sometimes I wondered if her eyes were happier on days like Tuesdays or Fridays.

    Did she smile on those days? Did she offer a verbal “Same, Girl” rather than a simple look?

     

    And, then, I’d wonder why she held such pain in those eyes of hers? Had she lost a loved one?

    And hadn’t she been taught as a child that human life is fleeting—gone quickly and often?

    Maybe she is more sensitive to the trials of life than the rest of us or worse at hiding their effects.

     

    I thought about my own life and how I sometimes would cry at night in the secrecy of my room.

    Yet she was there sharing with the world these moments only meant to be experienced alone.

    Perhaps she is weaker than the rest of us. Or maybe she is braver, realer.

     

    One day, I thought to do something I’d never done before. I wanted some insight,

    So, I asked her about her day. I truly expected only a look in response—the familiar glance

    That had been offered so many times before. And, at first, that is all she gave.

     

    But seconds later, as I prepared myself to live with only a glance as response, she answered.

    “Just trying to make it to the weekend,” she’d said, and I almost cheered in reply.

    It was only a Monday, but I began to picture the joy she must hold in her eyes on the weekends.

     

    Maybe that was it—she was just waiting for the weekend. Or maybe she held some dark secret

    In the depths of her eyes that only she knew but chose to share through the glimpses of glances.

    But I like to think that it’s the former, and so I said, “Same, Girl,” and she replied with her eyes.

     

  • a word is a word is a word

    a word

    a breath

    set to the rhythm

    of her tune

  • andsoshewrote

    she inhaled the weight of the world

    with each breath

     

    and with each exhale

    fell deeper into the collapsed walls

    of a dream

    that she once called

    life

     

    and she knew

    that even if her body kept moving

    aimlessly

    in the direction of death

    as all living forms do

    still her soul would fail

    prematurely

     

    and the laws of how to live a life

    did not apply anymore

    as nothing else mattered

    inside her fading brain

    except a lurking passion

    that she could not shake

     

    and she knew

    there were only moments

    to waste

    amidst the years

    that would pass

    in an instant

    and so she wrote

  • black blood

    They say I lay there for four hours

    In a puddle of black blood

    To me, it felt like minutes, seconds

     

    There will never be enough time

    For me to comprehend

    What happened, why it happened

     

    It was my fault for being there

    I was wrong for being a black man

    And for the black blood running through my veins

     

    Was I wrong for the black blood

    That sunk into the asphalt

    Like tears into a pillow

     

    Was I wrong for the nauseating stench

    Like rotting iron

    That hovered in the air for four hours

     

    Blood so dark and flowing

    It spilled from my head like water

    Glistening and purple in the pale, constant sunlight

     

    It tried to run, a part of me almost free

    But it stuck to the concrete

    Drowning in defeat

     

    It sat for hours, turning thick like syrup

    Getting blacker by the moment

    Too black for anyone to care

     

    I try to imagine how it must have felt

    When the only part left of me

    Was rinsed from the street with water

     

    How it felt when the cold water

    Met my hot, angry blood

    And the two became one

     

    Maybe the drops of black blood

    Seeped into the cracks of the street

    Forever hidden away like the sins of injustice

     

    Maybe my name will go down in history

    With the others

    Who were martyred for having black blood

     

    Or maybe it was my fault.

     

    They say the neighbors turned in horror

    Away from my dying body

    That begged for mercy in their streets

     

    The image was so graphic

    A real black man

    Perishing just yards away

     

    A picture that will remain forever

    No one will remember who I was

    Or who I wanted to be

     

    When time has passed

    All that the neighbors will remember

    is Brown’s black blood

     

  • the moment i stopped believing in god the savior

    I can remember the very moment that I stopped believing in God the Savior. Well, at least the series of moments. It went like this. Nineteen years old and as naïve as ever. Everything was great until it wasn’t. But I don’t want to get ahead of myself.

    I was in love with a man whose love for me was always uncertain. However, this uncertainty is what I thrived on. It was fun. It was mysterious, and the mystery, provocative. I was a ball of energy, of light, of yellow and all things young and innocent. He was darkness, temptation, a gray-area that brought about a rainbow of emotions into my chaste soul. It was a masterpiece of a love. Until it wasn’t.

    Big, rough hands touching my slim, sweaty palms. There were wrinkles when he smiled, followed by the sound of my heart-beat. Thump, thump, thuuu-thump. Most was unknown, but I knew that he would be the one I’d marry. Until I didn’t anymore.

    There were four words that changed my life— the way I would learn to love, mature to see the world, the way I would learn to think and feel. They were: not meant to be. It sounded much more harrowing when he said to me, “It’s just not meant to be.” And I thought how could his hand in mine, his wrinkles making my heart go thump, thump, thuuu-thump, his gray and my yellow, and the sweet rainbow that was our love… How could that not be meant to be? I didn’t understand until one day I did.

    I wanted someone to blame. I needed someone, and at times like these, it’s the easiest to turn to God. It tends to not be a priority when all is happy and well. When all is going the way that I’d perceive it should, God tends to be put on the back burner, but when my life is in shambles and I’m falling apart because he doesn’t love me the way I want him to I turn to HIM. And what is HE supposed to do? Well, fix things of course.

    “Dear Heavenly Father. God the Savior. Please move. Move so that I know you’re there. Move so that I’m not hurting anymore. Move so that he loves me again. Move so that it is meant to be.”

    I needed to be saved because I didn’t think I could do it on my own, but I had to realize that God isn’t a lifeline that I should call upon only when I’m feeling alone. He said, “Save yourself.”

    I believe in God the Father. God the Son. Even God the Holy Spirit. I believe in the Creator of Heaven and Earth and God the Almighty and the God who died for all sins. I think that, perhaps, at one time, his role was to be the savior, but I don’t agree that this role of His is ongoing. Here is my guess, and it’s just a guess. Because guesses are all I really have right now. My guess is that God the Creator has created in such a way that we don’t need a savior. We have to save ourselves. We have to save ourselves from giving up on the life he has created and especially, especially from chasing things that are not meant to be.